Name / Twitter:

Steven Barber / @igotmy9milli

What do you do now?

SCEE Developer Relations / Game designer / Blog writer / Beer drinker

Where were you born?

Harlow, Essex boy.

Where do you live nowadays?

Planet Earth.

What’s your favourite video game of all time?

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. I’m an adoring fan….

What was the last game you enjoyed and why?

This is a tricky one; I’ve recently started writing a blog and will not be playing any console games from after 1995…. My favourite title from that experience would have to be Alcazar – The Forgotten Fortress on the Commodore 64 which released in 1985 when I was only one year old. It has some really great game design features, awesome graphics and for me some truly memorable nostalgia points.

Honourable mentions – Night Sky (Android), Seaman (Dreamcast), Legend of Grimrock (Steam), Earth Defence Force: Insect Armageddon (Steam) and Super Hexagon (Android), plus too many more to mention….

Describe any of the bullying you experienced.

My bullying experience started in early secondary school. I was a little eccentric as a young teen and decided I wouldn’t get a haircut for a few years; I had a crazy long curly mess on my head! Unfortunately this made me stand out a bit and that’s when the bullying started. It was mainly just name calling which I wasn’t too bothered about but there were a few times where I had my hair pulled and got into various fights for no real reason. My hair was pretty extreme and even random people in the street would sometimes comment on it.

In my later teens I started to dress a bit “Goth” or “Greebo” and listened to Marilyn Manson and had six inch spikey hair, I didn’t make it easy for myself! But I found being part of a group of people similar to me definitely made life easier. I’ve never really been a fan of mainstream culture whether it be music, games or whatever. And that always makes you an easy target or stand out.

When did you finally learn how to manage the bullying? How?

At the time you think the bullying will never end but you just get through it, usually with support from close friends (who tend to be in the same situation). Just be yourself and don’t worry what other people think about you.

What effect do you think bullying had on you?

It made me slightly more introverted, but looking back it helped me make tighter bonds with the friends around me and makes you stronger as a person for getting through it. If anything I might not be where I am today without going through those situations. Turn the negatives into positives.

How is your life better now?

I wouldn’t say life was bad as a youngster, not having to go to work, spending everyday with your mates; there was definitely some good times. I would say try and enjoy this time because you only get one shot at it. Don’t let bullies ruin this time for you. Life now is pretty good though, working with people with a passion for video games is great. Everyone has the latest games, gadgets and technology it’s a really fun environment!

Did you think your life was ever going to be this good?

At the time definitely not, I think as a kid it’s very hard to know what you want to do when you grow up. Yes I had an interest in games but no one ever said I could work in that industry, in fact no one ever told me what I could or couldn’t do. I’ve had to work very hard to get where I am today and I think being bullied as a youth has given me that extra drive to succeed. My gaming career started as a warehouse box packer, packing PS2 games and I’ve managed to work my way to where I am today.

What would you like to say to a youngster thinking about getting into video games who is experiencing bullying right now?

Video games are a great industry to work in. My advice would be work hard and focus on what you want to achieve, that goes for whatever you decide to do and not just video games. Just remember with hard work and focus anything is possible, just map out a plan, do your homework on what it will take to tackle the plan and then tackle it.

Name/Twitter handle:

Keith Andrew / @tweeting_keith

What do you do now?

That’s a tough one to describe, really. Currently, I’m editor of PocketGamer.biz, which is a business-to-business site for firms working in the mobile gaming arena – developers, engines, platform holders, monetisation experts etc.

That, I guess, makes me a ‘games journalist’, though my muddled path to such a profession – starting off doing a degree in Advertising and PR and only venturing into writing while waiting for the job that never came – means it’s sometimes hard to track what I do now.

The long and short of it is, I write about games. A lot. Go to some nice events. Meet some lovely developers. And tweet. Too much.

Where were you born?

In a hospital in Chelmsford, Essex, in the UK, which I’m told no longer exists and is now a block of apartments. And they’re not even named after me. Oh well.

And whereabouts do you live now?

‘Oop north’, as they say, in lovely Manchester, just around the corner from Piccadilly Station. Indeed, if you’ve ever found yourself waiting on the platform for a (late) train there, I’ve probably spied you from my window.

What’s your favourite game of all time?

Shenmue II. By some distance. I was saying to a friend last week, in fact, that, as much as I’d love to see a sequel, there’s something brilliant about leaving the series half way through. It’s given it this legendary status that the game as a whole totally deserves. Some of the latter stages served up some of the most magical moments I’ve ever encountered in a game.

(We’re talking about the original Dreamcast version here, of course.)

What was the last game you enjoyed and why?

Eek. ‘Enjoyed’ is a wide definition. I’d say, actually, that the last game I got massively into for a short burst was Sonic & Sega All Stars Racing Transformed on Xbox 360. Some simply brilliant levels, and Sumo Digital really have that franchise down now – it’s almost quite Project Gotham Racing in places, bizarrely.

Also, The Walking Dead made an impression fairly recently. I’m reluctant to finish it, though, as I don’t want it to be over.

**Please describe a little of the bullying you experienced. **

It’s a little difficult to remember now. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’ve ‘blocked it out’ or anything that dramatic, but my mind has certainly managed to file it away somewhere that means it’s not that easy to access.

Specific instances are hard to pin down, but essentially, the bullying with me was never physical. Funnily enough, had it been, that would have been far easier for me to manage. Rather, it was a gradual but consistent chipping away at my confidence to the point where I genuinely had none left, and I was putty in their hands.

Funnily enough, until it started – midway through high school – I’d go so far as to say I’d always been quite popular with a nice base of friends. To cut a long story short, however, my best friend at the time was diagnosed with ME, which meant he couldn’t really run around or exercise without becoming ill. As a result of that, he was forced to spend breaks and lunch periods inside, and the school allowed a select band of his friends to stay with him so he wasn’t on his own.

As the weeks went by, it was only me that stayed with him while everyone else went outside as normal. A year later, his family moved away to the US, and suddenly I found that all the friendships I had before weren’t really there anymore, and I’d lost touch with everyone. People I’d previously been friendly with then saw me as ‘the weakest link’, as it were, and I quickly became the butt of all jokes. When they saw I didn’t take too well to it – I’ve never been mister confident – things expanded, the jokes became direct attacks and I started to fear being around them.

It’s very easy to think of bullies as stupid people who thump other kids or somesuch, but in my case, that wasn’t true. The chaps who began to circle round me were actually well regarded in the school, and they were very clever to make sure that the taunts, the snipes and the general wearing of me down only went on when no-one of influence was around. Kids can pick out a particular weakness very quickly, and having always been concerned about my appearance, that quickly became their target.

I’d never been especially good at sports either, bar running, and so P.E. lessons – which tended to split boys and girls at that time – were pretty much hell. Not only was I surrounded only by people who hated me, but I also forced to do things I couldn’t do in front of them, which only added to their jibes and increased my isolation.

I ended up putting on quite a bit of weight as a result – rushing home off the bus to, essentially, stuff my face while crying – and making myself rather ill. Such was the fear of going to school during the peak of the bullying, that I would spend most days feeling sick as a pig – even if nothing actually happened that day.

When did you manage the bullying?

I don’t think I ever did, really.

As I say, my solution was to try and crawl into a corner and to stuff my face, both of which were things that only set me apart further. In the end, I went on antidepressants, which – while they didn’t solve the problem – certainly stopped me sinking low enough to contemplate doing anything stupid.

Things calmed a little when my mother confronted my form tutor during a parent’s evening. Such was the crappy nature of my school, that the kids who were bullying me – at this point known by the school – were about to be made prefects, and I was not. As I say, bullies are clever, and these chaps were very pally with prominent teachers, who I suspect had subconsciously marked me down as a weakling deserving of the taunts.

It was only my mother’s fury – and I mean fury – that eventually began to sort things. I was made a prefect, I was isolated from this particular group of lads as much as I could be (not a longterm solution, but certainly a quick fix which needed to be done), and I was allowed to find my feet.

Things only really stopped, however, when I left to start sixth form college. Luckily my high school didn’t have one attached, so I had to travel 10 miles in the other direction. Some of my former bullies went there too, but the combination of having a fresh start and it being a really brilliant, open, tolerant and liberal sixth form saved me.

I came out as gay at sixth form, and not only was this accepted, but it also made me something of a tourist attraction for a few weeks. Bizarrely, I’d never actually been bullied for being gay – not something the bullies had ever picked up on – and the confidence I drew from my whole sixth form experience carried me through university and beyond.

What effect do you think the bullying had on you?

I think it’s important to acknowledge that, with all things in life, it’s swings and roundabouts.

At the immediate time, it had a devastating effect. I was worn away until I was paper thin, and I was about as unconfident and weak as anyone can be. I’d go so far as to say that I came close to becoming a recluse – I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I was only safe by myself, in my room.

That’s ultimately something I still have to fight now, and I’ll forever be someone who worries about everything and makes themselves ill over the mundane of things. Maybe that’s just in my nature, but it’s something that was certainly amplified by my experiences at school.

I’m also overly concerned about my appearance and weight, and it has no bearing on whether I’m actually in shape or not. Even when I’ve been at my thinnest – which I’m certainly not now – I’ve hated how I look and been convinced that I look around 50 stone. That said, that’s not a cross that only I have to bear – half the world thinks that way these days.

There have, however, been positives, too. I think for anyone being bullied now, it’s important for me, standing on the other side, to admit that.

It made me quite quick-thinking and witty. You have to be, essentially, to get yourself out of certain situations. Sometimes, if you can make the person bearing down on you laugh, they’ll give you a break. Just for that one day. And – though I’m certainly not a comedian – I like to think that I have quite a quick wit even now, and that’s a useful tool in the job I do, meeting people for the first time.

I think it’s also helped make me quite a sensitive person, and I think that’s a good thing, overall. I know I value friendships more than a lot of people, and I think the whole bullying experience has humanised me in a way that I wouldn’t have been if left to my own devices. (If that doesn’t sound too cheesy.)

How is your life better now?

It’s better now in that I actually have one. Back then, even getting through the day sometimes seemed impossible, but now I’m the same as everyone else – working to earn money to pay the bills. Heh.

I think it’s also important to note that, many of the qualities I had that made me a target back then are things that people are actually drawn to me now for.

The sensitive, different part of me then is the same part of my brain that does all the creative stuff. Bizarrely, I’d say I’m a better writer because I’m a little sensitive, a little paranoid, a little over analytical. Everyone is the product of what they’ve been through, good and bad, so naturally, the things that happened back then still have an impact now.

Did you ever think your life was going to be this good?

I think for many kids being bullied, they don’t even contemplate the future. It’s not that they think they won’t be alive, but it’s hard enough worrying about what’s going to happen the next day at school, let alone what you’ll do when you leave.

You can’t see beyond the next day. There’s a big dark wall in the way, effectively.

But no, I don’t think I thought I’d be capable of living the life I do today. Lets not be dramatic – I don’t do anything amazing. But, back then, even leaving the house became an ordeal, let alone – most recently – hopping on a few planes to fly to San Francisco for GDC, or talking to people I didn’t know without turning into a shivering wreck.

I do things now almost on a daily basis that, to me, are like climbing Everest. And I think the best thing about it is, most of the time, it’s only me that knows that I’m struggling through something. If I look composed on the outside, the eventually – at the fifth or sixth time of asking – I’ll be composed and calm on the inside, too.

What would you like to say to a youngster thinking about getting into video games who is experiencing bullying right now?

It’s hard to know. Everyone’s experience will be different, and it’s unlikely that anything I went through matches exactly anything anyone reading this is going through now.

What I would repeat is, many of the things people seem to hate about you now will genuinely set you apart from the rest of the crowd in a couple of year’s time. It’s also certainly true that those who bully – physically or, as in my case, more mentally – do so because, they too, have certain issues.

Bizarrely, I’ve since spoken to one of the chaps behind my bullying, and he genuinely had no idea the impact it had on me at the time. We have to remember that, children aren’t the finished article, and the do all kinds of crappy things that, as an adult, they’d be ashamed of.

You just need to do what you need to do to get through it. That’s not an empty statement – there’s no one size fits all solution. My school was crap and, for a while, actively made things more difficult. But maybe yours is a good school. Maybe you should tell them.

I was lucky in that my parents were brilliant, but that won’t be the case for everyone. But is there anyone else around that, in some small way, can help pull you through?

The best thing I can say is, it won’t last forever. School proves to be such a short period of your life that, in a few year’s time, you’ll find yourself looking back and wondering how time flew by so quickly.

Also, be funny. Genuinely. You’ll be surprised what situations a bit of humour can get you out of.

Name / Twitter Handle?
Gavin Harrison / @GharrisonSounds

What do you do now?
I am a composer and sound designer for games, TV and film.  I have to date been fortunate to work with some fantastic people and companies within the games industry, as well as recording with the London Royal Philharmonic Orchestra for my TV work.

Whereabouts were you born?
Ipswich, Suffolk

And which part of the world do you inhabit nowadays?
Currently residing in a little village called Stoke by Clare, still in Suffolk!

We’re going to put you on the spot here, but what’s your favourite game of all time?
Always a tough question, so much depends on the mood you’re in doesn’t it?  I’d have to say Pilot Wings on the N64 is up there.

What was the last game you played and enjoyed?
I have to admit to having a slight Temple Run 2 addiction at the moment…it’s that just one more go thing isn’t it?  I actually also love the simple but effective audio design on it, especially the background music.

Please describe some of the bullying you experienced
I was one of those people who always seemed to get along well with most people at school, and to many I doubt I was seen or regarded as a victim of bullying.  However, my experience was that of being bullied by those closest to you.  During my time at middle school (so around the ages of 9-13) I was the butt of many jokes and name callings from those I considered to be friends, the people I would hang out with on a daily basis and go to class with.  Initially something that could start as a little banter would quickly escalate and each day I would find myself extremely upset and asking why I should always be on the receiving end of the jokes, why everyone would laugh at me.  I think maybe I was always the quieter one of the group and never fought back in any form, which made it easier for others to pick on me in such a way.  Whilst I’m sure it looked as if I was a happy child with friends at school, I felt very isolated within that group and didn’t have a way of talking to any one about it for fear of more name calling.

If you managed to handle the bullying, how did you do that and when?
I guess as I grew older and found a little more identity and confidence the name calling started to bounce off me, and once this started happening and I showed little or no reaction to the insults people soon moved on.  Also moving to upper school (or high school) at the age of 13 was a large help, I met new people and formed a new circle of friends away from my previous bullying group.  It was also around this time that my interest in music developed…I had always enjoyed ‘attempting’ to play the piano and guitar, but now I was taking it seriously and had something that was mine!

What effect do you think bullying had on you?
It would be hard to pinpoint one particular area, but I am quite sure it had a knock on affect regarding my confidence in myself and I would say to this day I can still be perhaps oversensitive when interacting with friends.  However, I would also say it made me more caring to the plight of others, indeed I worked in mental health for sometime before going full time into audio and it is still an area that is close to my heart.

How is your life better now?
I’m doing the thing that I love to do most, composing music and designing sound for games, TV and film, what could be better! Within the last couple of years I’ve been privileged to meet and work with some amazing people within the music / games industry who I now consider to be good friends, people who I respect and admire for what they do.  I am also pleased to say I am still close friends with all those I met when changing school at 13!

Did you ever think your life could be as good as it is now?
I never dreamed I would be able to forge a career doing what I love doing, it is a lot of hard work and you will have to put yourself on the line a lot but it is this that makes you feel alive and what makes life so fantastic!

What would you like to say to a youngster thinking about getting into video games who is experiencing bullying today?
Every case of bullying is very different so to give specific advice would be hard.  However, trust yourself, stay confident and know that you are good enough…hold on to those things.

Life does and will get better, the bullies will fade to be a distant memory.  If you find things becoming too much talk to someone you trust, a parent, a teacher, someone who will respect and listen to what you say.  If you are thinking of the getting into the games industry…DO IT!  It is a fantastic industry to work in and the community is one of the most friendly and welcoming I have ever experienced.  Study hard, stay committed to your interests and above all else have fun!

Name / Twitter handle:

Arend Stührmann / @Whispertron on twitter although I’m not that active.

What do you do now?

I studied advertising and marketing but managed to get into the games industry about six years ago. My escape through books, writing and video games resulted in me having a very good background in gaming and the creative arts which still helps me in my job. I’m a project manager, one of the people who quietly (sometimes not so quietly) keeps the projects moving. It requires me to be able to build good working relationships with a diverse group of people, keeps me on my toes and continually offers up new challenges. So in some ways my job is a form of therapy, drawing me out of myself and helping me build up a lot of self-confidence in my abilities. The self-questioning side of me is still there, but I’ve reined it in to where it is actually a tool that helps me do my job better.

Where were you born?

Germany

And whereabouts in the world do you live now?

Lunenburg, Nova Scotia, Canada

What’s your favourite game of all time?

Monkey Island 1 through 3. I’m a big adventure game fan who lives in the hope that the genre will experience a renaissance someday.

What was the last game you enjoyed and why?

Dishonored is my game of the year 2012. Amazing environment and level design that encourages exploration, tight game mechanics, an art style to die for and really clever audio design. It’s a game where time was spent getting all the little details polished up and that really sells the experience.

Please describe a little of the bullying you experienced.

My life has been spent moving around a lot. By the time I turned 18 I had lived in six countries and attended nine different schools. There was a lot of being the new kid in class and because I was definitely on the portly side with glasses I was an obvious target for the bullies to pick on. It’s difficult coming into a new social group as a child and trying to find room in the established pecking order. My bookish nature also didn’t help. I’d rather spend time reading than running around in the playground. So I experienced all the stereotypical bullying that the geek with glasses gets in school. From physical shoving around and having my stuff taken away to be thrown on top of semi-unreachable places to the psychological bullying through snide comments, cold shoulders and having people discouraged from becoming friends with me.

When did you manage the bullying?

From an early age on I hid myself away in books. Eventually that expanded to books, video games and music. My last two years of secondary school were the point where things finally turned around. I got into a school environment was a lot more positive and in which I was able to develop group of friends who were on my wavelength. My self-confidence rebuilt itself a bit and I learned to let myself be friends with people again.

What effect do you think bullying had on you?

Thanks to the various negative experiences I had some very big trust issues and became a lot more withdrawn. To this day it is still difficult for me to actually form true friendships where I trust the other person as a confidant and source of support. My self-confidence was very low as well and I constantly belittled and criticised whatever I was doing to the point where I was actually bullying myself. Schoolwork suffered as a result, much to the frustration of my teachers and parents. I didn’t want to engage with my studies at home because it was a link to the environment in which I was suffering. In school itself I didn’t apply myself because being good in class would just have painted an even bigger target on my back. To top it all off I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about it, because I was already having a hard enough time integrating. Bullies tend to be at the top of the social food chain in school so I always felt like trying to get help would do more harm than good when I really should have tried to go to my parents or teachers for help and support.

How is your life better now?

My life, in a word, is awesome. Won’t pretend that I bound out of bed every morning with a smile on my face but once I get to work I have fun at my job, which is something not everyone can claim with total conviction. My career has taken me to some amazing places in the world and while perhaps not every title I’ve worked on has set the world on fire I am still very proud of what the teams I worked with managed to achieve. Being in a creative environment at work means that I’m motivated to be creative outside of work. In the past years I’ve become a better cook and carpenter as a result. Gaining self-confidence meant that I picked up archery as a sport, something I’d dreamed of since I was a small boy but never pursued because it would have made me stand out. I get to talk about video games, books, movies and music at work and have nobody look at me strangely. I’m definitely the ‘cool uncle’ in the family.

Did you think your life was ever going to be this good?

If there’s one thing I wish I could do it is to go back to my younger self and show them how awesome my life will become. I’m working in one of the most creative industries, surrounded by cool people and creating products which entertain thousands of people. I’ve worked with some of the most intelligent and creative people in society. I’ve met the game creator legends who were the equivalent of rock gods in my teenage pantheon. In the darker moments of my childhood I definitely didn’t think my life would work out as well as it has.

What would you like to say to a youngster thinking about getting into video games who is experiencing bullying right now?

You’re not being picked on because you are worthless, stupid, ugly or weird. You’re being picked on because the bullies see the worth in you and are jealous of it. They see something that they can never be and so they do what ignorant people so often do: Try to destroy it, grind it into dust and make it vanish. But the bullies will not hound you forever. Someday you will leave them behind and let yourself be the amazing person you are. In the meantime you shouldn’t shy away from developing your skills and talents.

Don’t think you have to study games design or programming to get into the games industry. I’ve worked on games with people who have PhD’s in Biology or who spent the first part of their adult life working as construction workers. There’s a wealth of information about what goes into making games on the web. Look it up, read it and decide where in the constellation of roles you would like to see yourself. Try making your own game using one of the free toolkits to be found. Sign up for betas and be a productive member of the beta community, contributing constructive feedback and discussion of how the game is developing. Find some like-minded souls and take part in competitions like the Global Game Jam to get some first-hand experience in making a game to a deadline.

Above all: Don’t give up. The games industry is a hard one to break into but it is also one of the most rewarding careers you can pursue.

Name / Twitter handle:
Stewart Gilray @stewartgilray

What do you do now?
CEO of Just Add Water (Developments), Ltd. & Development Director of Oddworld Inhabitants, Inc.

Birth place:
Paisley, Scotland.

Where are you based nowadays?
Otley, West Yorkshire, UK.

What’s your favourite video game of all time?
It’s probably got to be Journey by ThatGameCompany, yes it’s new, and yes I’ve been doing this for 26 years, but there’s something about it that’s just magical.

What was the last game you enjoyed and why?
The Cave by Ron Gilbert and the team at Double Fine Productions. It was a weird mix of modern gaming and a classic adventure/puzzle gaming.

Describe some of the bullying you experienced.
I was always a shy quiet kid and still am to a degree, and because of that I was picked on, I didn’t really mix well with others in that I liked my space and my time, I was also incredibly gullible and naïve so would easy believe people and situations. So at school some of the usual suspects would deliberately pick on me because of that.

When did you finally learn how to manage the bullying? How?
I didn’t really, it just sort of stopped when I left education. When I was at school, especially in the last year I’d just do a bunk and hide outside of school to avoid certain lessons where I knew particular bullies would be, just to avoid them. But back in the mid-80s your parents weren’t informed if you were off etc.

What effect do you think bullying had on you?
I still suffer from massive self-esteem and self-confidence issues and I do get panic attacks when I’m put in situations I’m not comfortable in. As such until relatively recently I deliberately avoided public speaking, but now I try to do as much as I can to prove to myself that I can do it, not just others.

How is your life better now?
Life is cool because I get to create some awesome video games and I get to play with amazing technology. The people I have around me are all very special to me, and yes ok so I’m the boss of the company, but I do NOT like the company to have that perception that we’re all on different levels or we shouldn’t talk. When I was younger you never spoke to your boss, and it was always a bit of a “yes boss” type thing. I completely hate that view point so we don’t have that here. So I have friends and colleagues and we get to work on some great stuff.

Did you think your life was ever going to be this good?
Never, I had the perception that I might be making games for about 4-5 years then I’d have to get a “real job™” but here I am 26 years later, all that’s changed is I have people working for me now who are HALF my age and they are very clever people. Don’t get me wrong, we should always strive to improve life, so right now it’s good, but it will get better!

What would you like to say to a youngster thinking about getting into video games who is experiencing bullying right now?
If you’re into video games and you love video games and you’re already playing around with ideas etc. then keep at it, as long as you have REAL determination and ambition to make games then you will make games. Make sure you know everything you need to know about and want to know about, and most of all don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t, as they’d be wrong. We can do anything we want as long as we apply ourselves to it. As for the bullies themselves, it’s all well and good saying ignore them, but it’s true, by reacting to them you are giving them what they want, which is a rise out of you, they want others to see they have power over you. Don’t let me, ignore them, they will soon get bored.

As for the bullies themselves, it’s all well and good saying ignore them, but it’s true, by reacting to them you are giving them what they want, which is a rise out of you, they want others to see they have power over you. Don’t let me, ignore them, they will soon get bored.

Name and Twitter handle?

Alasdair Evans (@ev4nac)

What do you do now?

I’m Producer for the mysterious Essex-based developer Laughing Jackal. I also produce the majority of our game designs, which is easily the best part of the job. Although we’re a little-known outfit, we’ve produced games I’m really proud of. People can check us out at www.laughingjackal.co.uk

Birth place:

Shrewsbury, Shropshire, UK

Currently residing where in the world?

Bishops Stortford in Herts. It’s very nice.

Favourite video game of all time?

A year ago I’d have been torn between Super Metroid and Super Street Fighter IV. Now it’s easy: Spelunky (particularly the XBLA version.) It’s the perfect desert island game and as solid a game design as you could ever hope to find. I have nothing but admiration for Derek Yu.

What was the last game you enjoyed and why?

I’ve been on a real Roguelike frenzy of late and Cavern on iOS was awesome (plus the first Roguelike I’ve ever completed.) I’ve also enjoyed Sleeping Dogs a huge amount, plus Far Cry 3 and was the shizzle.

Describe very briefly any of the bullying you experienced.

I was a popular kid in my primary school, but already a massive nerd. The moment I encountered my first video game I knew what I was going to do with my life. However at secondary school things changed. I went from being one of the bigger kids in my old school to one of the smallest, and from day one I was targeted by kids who wanted to make themselves look tougher. It’s kind of like prison that way – jump a small kid and make yourself known to be a tough guy.

Things actually got worse the further through school I got, as I was something of a late bloomer and one of the shortest and lightest boys in the school. Add to that some Roland Rat glasses I had for a while (yes, really!) and a pudding bowl haircut and it was a perfect storm. I really ought to have know better! :S

The bullying was mostly physical. I would regularly get forced into fights that I just didn’t want any part of and I remember one particularly nasty afternoon trip home on the bus when 12 boys tried to beat up my brother and I. The bus driver just ignored it. They were really going for it too… Not nice.

We had older parents and that was something that was singled out, as was taking an interest in lessons. Worst of all we were also in several choirs, which was like a red rag to a bull and solid gold bullying materials. We were often asked if we were going to ‘queer practice’ of an evening.

Things went on like that for the first four years of school, but never stopped entirely. The most distressing part was having to watch people fighting my brother. He was even smaller than me and very mouthy, which didn’t help. We both understood that openly objecting to someone fighting your brother would have resulted in even worse bullying for being ‘gay’, so we both resolved to take our licks individually and just be there for each other afterwards.

There was occasional bullying outside of school – if I saw any of the bullies on a trip to Shrewsbury it’d be a question of getting away without making it look obvious or plotting a course back to the bus station that’d mean I was less likely to see them.

When did you finally learn how to manage the bullying? How?

I don’t think bullying is an easy thing to manage quite honestly and every one will deal with it differently. A good family around you certainly helps. Unfortunately for me I’m naturally a very private person – certainly not a sharer – so I didn’t really speak to anyone about it other than my brother, who was right there with me. I just sucked it up, which was completely the wrong thing to do…

In the end I resolved to be strong about it. I read ‘Invictus’ by William Ernest Henley a lot, that’s for sure! It’s still one of my favourite poems. It sounds very harsh and Victorian, but I think there’s a lot to be said for creating a sense of self mastery within you. Whatever happens, it’s up to you how you deal with it. Make sure you deal with it well.

The tipping point for conquering the bullying was when my former best friend, who was significantly larger than me, gave me dead arms for an entire double Social Studies lesson (it’s actually funny writing that down!) He made it clear that we had a fight arranged at lunchtime. I felt betrayed and sick with fear for the rest of the morning. I knew there was no way out of it.

When the hour came I went to the arranged spot and as soon as it things formally started I popped him smack on the jaw and knocked him straight out. You could have heard a pin drop and – I assure you – no one was more surprised than me. I was so scared I just put everything into it and was very lucky.

After that – and another similar incident with a big kid a year below me a couple of weeks later – things eased off for me, and also for my brother, which was the best part.

Bullying kind of continued when I moved to Sixth Form as it was a whole new set of ‘cool’ lads with a brand new easy target, but it that was only verbal and towards the end of the last year I shot up in size. Once I reached 6’3” and began shaving my head that was the end of it, thank God.

What effect do you think bullying had on you?

It totally knocked my confidence. I am still pretty slow getting to know people – much more so than I’d like to be.

However, once I went to Uni I realised that no one knew me and that I could be the person I wanted to be: my true self. I reinvented myself honestly, and from day one resolved to be more outgoing and in control. Straight away I made some lifelong friends and turned things around. I really feel disconnected from my younger self. I feel like I’ve lived two separate lives in a way.

I’ve really let go of the past and don’t have any bad feelings towards the people who bullied me. My beliefs mean that I am very conscious not to judge other people. You have to always try and see the other side of things. People are so quick to dislike others over how they perceive them to be. It’s important to remember that very few people truly want to be horrible. There’s a story behind the story.

The best thing is that it made me one hundred per cent determined not to let anybody else affect how I want to be. That makes it all totally worth it.

How is your life better now?

I have a lovely wife, Emma, who’s been with me for fourteen years, plus a great little son called Noah who’s 3. Watching him grow into a confident, outgoing child is so rewarding. I was afraid he’d be shy like I was, but so far quite the opposite!

I’m working in a job that I love and helping create things that interest me every day. I get to play around in my everyday clothes, while other people I know are stuck in a shirt and tie, reading endless spreadsheets and forever in and out of mind-numbing meetings. That’d be hell for me!

I never expected to be in the position that I am now. I think if you stay true to yourself and never give up you’ll reach your goals. Anyone who can’t handle you as you are isn’t worth worrying about. As long as you’re not a dick, obviously.

Did you think your life was ever going to be this good?

No chance! I grew up in the middle of nowhere and had a fairly miserable time at school. I did none of the courses or subjects that you’d expect nowadays. I thought I’d be an office drone for sure. I never expected to get a job in this industry as I am not the best at maths, have an illogical brain and am famously unprofessional. I do have a lot of ideas though, and that’s been the biggest asset to me in my career so far.

I have a pretty great life my most measures. I feel very lucky.

What would you like to say to a youngster thinking about getting into video games who is experiencing bullying right now?

Go ahead and DO IT. There’s never been a better time to get started. Try not to worry about other people’s opinions.

I know from experience that it’s not always easy to get past bullying, especially the physical stuff that you literally can’t avoid, but you will come through it. Just keep going as you are and try not to let it change you too much. Also, don’t be like me: share your experiences. That seems to be a lot easier to do nowadays.

Above all, remember that you’re being singled out because you’re different to the regular kids who’ll end up doing the regular jobs. That’s a great thing! Never let them win. Invictus!

To the geek/nerd on the other end of the wire,

I have been a fellow geek and supporter of geeks since I was old enough to understand why I was being bullied. The pain and rejection I felt throughout my life in school paved the way for a damaged, depressed and insecure person. But in this culture, this digital and tabletop world that I immersed myself in saved me from what would have been a terrible and unfulfilled life dominated by fear and regret.

So many years later I have found that some people, including myself still bear very real emotional scars from their years of abuse and torment. They may have made it out into the real world, but they are broken and uncomfortable in their own skin. I believe that what I lacked, what many of us lack, is confidence in yourself. I am trying to change that. One person at a time. 

Your platform is inspired and does so much more than I could ever do by myself. I wish there was more I could do to reach out to other gamers, geeks, nerds, LARPers, and general outcasts and tell them that they are gifted. They are special. From the person who knows every Batman villains backstory by heart, to the one who has just reorganized his six boxes of MAGIC cards again, to the person who has taken down the final boss in Molten Core more times than he can remember. 

Gaming, and geekery has traditionally been a solo act. Sure you have had some LAN parties with your friends, but all of us, need to come together. Solidarity in our awkwardness. Confidence in our mutually odd and unique talents. And the indisputable knowledge that our lives are not defined by what other people think and say about us. That our lives are defined by the value we place in ourselves.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for giving me and so many others a forum to express our individuality and uniqueness.

Love, Gill